South Park - Hokuto Shinken
by Ebanu8
Summary: Kenshiro's journey in his world had ended, only for him to be begin another journey in another world, albeit one he is unused to, in the town of South Park, and with unusual changes to his body. Meanwhile, a new kid with no recollection of his past settles down in South Park, hoping to build a new life. Soon, both will learn South Park is far from being a normal, peaceful town.
1. Prolouge

**A/N: So this is a new story I've been wanting to write for quite a while now. I'll admit, the idea just popped into my head a while after watching Hokuto no Ken and South park, the Stick of Truth on Youtube.**

 **And then I suddenly thought, why not have Kenshiro wreak havoc on South Park with Hokuto Shinken? XP**

 **Anyway, this is my way of compensating for putting another story on hiatus, so pls, enjoy.**

 **Warning: This fic will contain some offensive content that may trigger people, given it is a South Park fanfic. If you're easily triggered or angered by such things, please do not read for your sake. You have been warned.**

 **I do not own South park or Hokuto no Ken.**

 **Prolouge**

 _It all seemed surreal to Kenshiro.  
_

 _For decades, as the 64th successor to the ancient martial art of Hokuto Shinken, he had travelled the wasteland that was the world of Earth, scarred by a worldwide nuclear war, its people embittered by the constant violence that ruled the land, slaying all who would destabilise society and bring it to utter ruin. For decades he travelled, never staying in one place for long for the sake of the innocent, for the curse of Hokuto ensured that chaos would come where he did._

 _For decades he waited, waited for the day he would finally pass from the world to be with his beloved Yuria - the only woman he ever loved - in the afterlife, though not before training his adopted son as the next successor of Hokuto Shinken, and tasking him with keeping the peace in war-torn Earth._

 _Finally, the time had come. As he laid himself and quietly closed his eyes, he breathed his last. Finally, his time was over, and he no longer needed to bear his burdens as he did so._

 _Or so, he thought._

 _He drifted endlessly in a black, endless void, his feet never finding solid ground beneath them, his body never finding equilibrium._

 _Trying desperately to make sense of his surroundings, a gentle, calming voice filled his ears, one akin to that of a cultured gentleman.  
_

 _"Man of Hokuto," He heard it beckon to him, "You have finally come."  
_

 _He then proceeded to ask, "Who are you? Why have you brought me here before you?"  
_

 _"You may call me Bentei," Said the voice, "I am but a messenger from the heavens, and I have come to bring you a message on your next task."_

 _"What task?" Asked Kenshiro, his voice hoarse from years of little Human contact._

 _"Your time in this world is over, man of Hokuto," Said Bentei, his form invisible to Kenshiro's obscured eyes that searched the darkness for him, "The era of terror and fear that infested it like a locust plague has finally begun to fade, its denizens beginning to strive for peace and rebuild their lives, and civilisation itself. Through your efforts, those who would sow chaos have been punished for their sins, and no longer threaten those striving for peace."_

 _A hint of pride rang true in Bentei's voice, yet it dissipated as he continued, "Your journey in this world is over, Kenshiro, but that means not the end of your journey. No, it is but part of a greater destiny._

 _At this, Kenshiro frowned slightly; decades he had waited for his eventual death, death in peace so he may be reunited with his deceased wife of many years, and with his many friends. To be denied this chance when it was so close was as if he were being slapped in the face. But he was a man of Hokuto, and if the heavens had a new task for him, he would answer the call without fail, for there was a purpose to all this._

 _"What would the heavens have me do, Bentei?" Asked Kenshiro.  
_

 _A deep rumble began to settle in Kenshiro's stomach, the sensation permeating his entire body, not unlike when he used his Musou Tensei._

 _He felt his muscles become less burdened with ache, his heart beating with little problems, and felt as if his body were blessed with much more energy like he possessed in his youth._

 _"In another world, there are various forces that dare defile the sanctity of the Earth and threaten the lives of the people living there," Said Bentei, "As Hokuto has bulwark against darkness and evil, so shall it be again; it is your task to go to that world, and serve as its bulwark. Know, however, that what you will see there is different from what you have adapted to."  
_

 _"Farewell, Kenshiro," The voice continued, "We will watch over you from the heavens."_

 _These were the last words the successor of Hokuto Shinken heard, before he suddenly felt himself lose consciousness, and then he knew nothing._

IIOII

 _Deep in the lands of Zaron, the Humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the Humans beg their king to save them; a noble king, known only as the Grand Wizard._

 _For a thousand years, the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his Human followers. But even though the wizard is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their onslaught._

 _They seek the Humans' most sacred relic - the Stick of Truth._

 _But the tides of war are about to change as news of a 'new kid' spread throughout the land. In order to save the Humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid before the evil Drow Elves can manipulate his mind and use him to take the sacred relic from Human hands._

 _For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe._

IIOII

Kenshiro awoke with a gasp, feeling air rush into his lungs as he took notice of his surroundings.

As his eyes registered the afternoon sky, the domineering sun casting its light of dominance over all, he moved to get up from were he was lying, noticing it to be the rooftop of a concrete building. As he moved to the edge of the roof to take in his surroundings, however, he was shocked by what he saw.

The land was no desert, but a veritable grassland with trees all around the town, cars moving across well-maintained roads, and though the land was covered in perpetual snow, it was an absolute far cry from the hellishly hot desert he had long since adapted to.

Feeling cold all over his body, he moved to find some form of clothing, only to notice two things.

One, he was stark naked, with not even a pair of undergarments to cover his... ahem, private parts.

Two, he had a pair of sizeable lumps on his chest, which he was not even supposed to have, and that his body physique was slimmer than normal, where he usually had a massive bulk of muscle fitting of that of a practitioner of Hokuto Shinken. Finding a mirror in his immediate vicinity, he was shocked at what he saw.

One thing he noticed was that he was far shorter and much younger looking than normal, looking exactly like a child at the age of ten with a suitably burly figure that, while not as burly as his older form, still showed quite a bit of muscle. Another thing was that - if his eyes were not deceiving him, had taken the form of a young girl. Moreover, where she had short bangs of black hair, she had long locks of them cascading down her shoulders.

With a slimmer form than that of a boy's and two sizeable... ahem, 'lumps' on his - _her_ chest, there was absolutely no denying it; he was officially a young girl.

"What sorcery is this?" Muttered Kenshiro, and she gasped at how high-pitched her voice was.

Given his current predicament, she found it absolutely problematic if someone were to catch he as she currently was, especially lecherous people who would undoubtedly lust after her admittedly beautiful form. Looking for any nearby article of clothing or anything that could serve as such, he laid eyes on two long pieces of white fabric and a piece of tarp.

Though the tarp could easily serve as a cloak to cover most of her body, she did not want to take chances regarding her exposed private parts; taking the two long pieces of white fabric, she tied them around her body tightly enough that they would not come loose, but loosely enough that they would not restrict her movements in the case she needed to use her martial art.

Making her way down with a slight jump, she landed gracefully on her feet, no sound being made upon contact with the concrete pavement. Without any knowledge of the town's layout, he elected to do some exploring of his own.

Taller than most children, she made large strides whenever she walked, covering more distance more easily as she explored the streets of the town she was in. All around her, people stared at her, at times trading whispers with one another as she walked past them. Some gave wolf whistles in her direction, while others simply chose to ignore her. All the while, she suddenly became the centre of attention for pedestrians walking the streets, mostly because of the outlandish clothing she was wearing.

"Well well, look what we have here, a little fourthie trying to look mysterious and shit, huh?" Said a sneering voice from behind her.

Immediately, Kenshiro knew she was surrounded by four boys, all of whom looked between twelve and thirteen years of age, all of them licking their lips in a very suggestive manner.

"What's the matter, fourthie? Cat got your tongue? Afraid of us you tiny little brat?" Said one of them.

"I would advise you disperse and get out of my way," Said Kenshiro with steel in her voice, her blue eyes becoming hard, "I do not take kindly to your kind."

The bullies around her became irritated, one of them cracking his knuckles as he said, "Oh, so the little fourthie is trying to act brave, huh? Well, how about a good fucking punch to the face!?"

As the bully reared his fist back for a punch, Kenshiro began to assume a stance, only to find she had no need to do so, for said bully was harshly knocked to the ground with a punch to his head, the perpetrator being a girl around the same age, with long black hair, garbed in a purple jacket, yellow jeans and wearing a pink beret on her head.

The other bullies turned to face their newcomer, only to immediately shrink away from her in fear.

"Oh shit, it's Wendy!" One of them said.

"No way I'm dealing with her! Let's get outta here!" Said another, and together, the three bullies took their unconscious friend and ran away as fast as their legs could carry them.

"And that's what you get for messing with girls," Said the girl, before turning to face Kenshiro.

"And who might you be?" She asked, "I don't know who you are, but what exactly were you thinking, walking around town without any decent clothing, except some stupid pieces of cloth and a cape? Are you playing superhero or something?"

"I had none," Said Kenshiro simply, "And might I ask what is a 'superhero'?"

"Seriously? What person has the sense to walk around in a snow-covered town with nothing but two pieces of cloth and a piece of tarp on top? And you don't know what a superhero is?" Said the girl, crossing her arms in a gesture of annoyance, "Anyway, my name's Wendy, Wendy Testaburger. What's yours?"

"Kenshiro," Said Kenshiro.

"Kenshiro?" Said Wendy, tilting her head slightly in confusion, "What sort of name is that?"

Receiving no response from Kenshiro, Wendy then said, "You don't really talk, huh? Fine, then. Anyway, we better get you some decent clothing. There's no way you're walking around looking like that."

Looking at the cloths that served as her clothing, Kenshiro nodded at Wendy's reasoning, and followed Wendy in her footsteps as they moved along the busy streets of South Park.

IIOII

Meanwhile, in another part of the mountain town, the crew of a Moovit truck had just finished unloading the last of its load into a red-walled house as its new inhabitants settled into their new home.

Two of them smiled happily at the prospect of beginning a new life in the town of South Park, a man saying, "Well, I believe that's everything!"

His wife pulled him into a tight hug, exclaiming, "We did it hon! We really moved in!"

"It's a new beginning for us," The husband replied, hugging her back, "Things are finally going to be good!"

As his wife pulled back, however, she frowned, glancing up to the floor above.

"Do you really think things would be better for... him?" She said in concern.

Placing reassuring hands on his wife's shoulders, the husband said, "They won't find him here hon, we just need to make sure he doesn't draw too much attention."

"Why not we check up on him?" The wife suggested, "Let's see how's he adjusting to his new life here."

Agreeing to the idea, both husband and wife moved upstairs to check on their child, who was looking around in silent contemplation.

Said child had fair porcelain skin, long, curly blonde hair and striking green eyes that possessed a spark of inquisitiveness about every single thing that came within her sight. She wore a thick, baggy, dark green shirt with the image of Terrance and Philip imprinted on it, and black jeans.

Both parents knew she was a girl, but for some reason unbeknownst to her, they pretended she was a boy, though given that she took more after the mannerisms of boys rather than that of girls, it was not hard to pass off as a boy.

She heard knocking on her door, followed by her mother calling, "Sweetie? You all dressed?"

She made no answer, but they nonetheless opened the door, seeing their daughter in disguise put the last of her belongings in a nearby drawer before turning to face the two of them.

Though her room was much smaller in comparison to her parents', as she did not have much use for extra space that would otherwise be unused, it was still large enough that she had adequate space to move around with little difficulty.

"Hey champ," Her father said, "How do you like your new room?"

In response, she merely shrugged, never one to talk much or express oneself openly; since kindergarten, she was not one to socialise much with others, preferring to keep to herself unless circumstances dictated otherwise. When one approached her for something, she never showed open hostility, instead simply nodding or shaking her head, depending on her response to whatever situation presented itself to her.

Sighing, her father then said, "I know it's a bit of a change for all of us son, but... do you... remember why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?"

Frowning in deep thought, the girl shook her head. Both parents shared a glance with each other, the father whispering, "He doesn't remember."

"He doesn't remember at all," Whispered his wife.

"That's good, that's good he doesn't remember," Said the husband, all the while not noticing that their 'son' frowned at them.

 _I can hear you from here, you know,_ Thought the girl, before her parents turned back to her, smiling.

"Uh, sweetie?" Said the mother, "We want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"

"Right, get outside and play 'Richard'. Like normal kids," Said the father.

 _And my real name's Rachel, dad,_ She thought.

"I'll put some money on the kitchen counter for you, sweetie," Said the mother, "Just... be back before it gets dark."

Once her parents left her room, Rachel then moved to her drawer and took out a small yellow strip of cloth, the image of the Big Dipper imprinted on it. Tying it to her left wrist, she then moved to collect the money her mother took for her, and moved to wave goodbye to her father - who did not even respond - before stepping out of her house to the outside world.

Immediately, she rubbed her hands, feeling the biting cold of the winter wind sapping the heat from her unprotected hands. Looking around her, she decided to explore the town a little, to familiarise herself with her new hometown. As she walked along the streets, however, it was not long before she encountered a sort of scuffle between two boys around her age, both dressed in handmade medieval costumed that reminded her of the medieval fantasy games she played on her PS4.

"I banish thee to the forest realm!" Said the blonde-haired boy, dressed in a turquoise medieval costume.

"No way, I banished you first!" Said the other, dressed in dark green garb and wearing fake pointy ears on his sides.

As both fought, however, it became clear the victor was the 'Elf', who proceeded to knock the turquoise-clothed boy's hammer out of his hand. He then proceeded to say, "Aha! You can't hold out for much longer."

As the 'Elf' pounced on his adversary, the blonde-haired boy shouted, "Help! Somebody, I can't hold out for much longer! HELP!"

The Elf then proceeded to repeatedly poke the other boy's face repeatedly with his wooden dagger, causing much pain and humiliating his 'enemy'.

Slightly angered by this display of bullying, Rachel then moved towards the 'Elf' and, rearing back her fist slightly, hit him on the back of his head, causing him to stumble slightly before directing an angry glare at Rachel, who said, "Hey, that's no fair! I'm gonna tell my mum!" before storming off.

Rachel then proceeded to help the blonde-haired boy who said, "Thanks for helping me back there, I didn't realise he had a health potion."

 _Health potion?_ Rachel thought, _So they are playing a sort of make-believe medieval fantasy game, it seems._

"My name is Butters the Merciful, I'm a paladin," Said the boy, "I live right next door to you, we should be friends!"

Butters then tapped a few buttons on his phone, and then Rachel heard a beep on hers, and then looked to see that Butters had added her as a friend on Facebook, who then posted a comment saying, "Hey, everyone, there's a new kid in town! I'm taking him around town for a bit."

Rachel felt guilty about concealing her actual gender, but she decided to keep it a secret for now.

"Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!" Said Butters.

 _Wizard King?_ Thought Rachel, even as she followed Butters to whomever this Wizard King was.

Eventually, both arrived at a green-walled house, bearing the same bland design as just about every house along the residential district had. Heading towards the door, they both find a fat young boy waiting for them just outside the door, wearing red robes, yellow gloves, a sky blue pointy hat and a darker blue cape across his shoulders. In his hand was a staff of sorts, plain and irregularly shaped.

"All hail the Wizard King!" Proclaimed Butters, with a rehearsed spiel.

"So, you are the New Kid," Said the Wizard King, "Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King."

As the fat boy leaned on his staff, Rachel became concerned about the state of the staff itself, fearing it would crack under the fat boy's weight.

 _I'm quite surprised the staff hasn't really broken under his weight,_ Thought Rachel, _You'd think a fat kid like him needs to replace that staff every time it snaps, since it can't hold his weight._

"The time to talk is not nigh," Said the fat boy, "Let me show you my Kingdom."

Turning around and walking into his house, Butters and Rachel followed suit, entering the house of the fat boy.

Inside, a woman with the same red hair as the fat boy sat on the couch, typing away on her phone. Glancing at Rachel, she gave a gentle smile, reminding her of her own mother.

"Oh, who's your new friend Eric?" She asked, and the fat boy rolled his eyes and continued walking.

"Shut up mom, not now."

Rachel frowned. Judging by Eric's response, she deduced him to be the spoilt type, getting everything he wanted, making her sick.

Leaning in slightly closer to Butters, she whispered into Butters' ear, "His name's Eric?"

Butters nodded, and whispered back, "That's right, but he prefers to be called by his surname, which is Cartman."

The trio then entered Eric's backyard, and glancing around the backyard, she saw a fortress of cardboard near the back fence, with a tent holding it up from the inside. Above the entrance was a sign with the words 'Kupa Keep' painted on it in red. Closest to the keep's entrance, she could see a brown haired boy, wearing an oversized helmet, tending to a makeshift weapons shop, and a nearby stable of sorts.

Eric then pointed at various things and explaining what they were, and who the other kids in the backyard were. The one with the oversized helmet was Clyde Donovan; the one with freckles and curly brown hair was Scott Malkinson, who seemed to always stick out his tongue for some reason, and the one wearing the purple dress, a blonde wig and an oversized orange parka over his face - known as the fairest maiden in the land - was identified as 'Princess' Kenny Mccormick.

Leaning in to whisper into Rachel's ear, Eric then said, "Don't ask me why he decided to be a chick, that's just how he's rolling right now."

Rachel snorted at that.

Eventually, as Eric stood at the entrance to his keep, he turned to face Rachel.

"You have been sought out, new kid, because Humans everywhere are in great danger," Eric said, "I need something from you, and in return, I am prepared to let you into my kingdom."

Butters then handed a paper and pen to Rachel, and Eric said, "I am sure there are many things you wish to ask, but first, please tell us thy name."

Rachel then proceeded to write 'Richard' on the paper, deciding to pass off as a boy for now. Handing back the paper to Eric, she noticed him smirking.

"You have entered the name 'Douchebag', is that correct?" Said Eric, causing the others around him to snicker.

Rachel frowned, giving a firm shake of her head.

"Do you wish to be called 'Douchebag'?" Asked Eric, receiving another shake of the head from Rachel.

"Very well, Douchebag," Said Eric, and Rachel immediately felt like punching him in the gut, though she restrained herself, "Now, before you continue you must choose your class: either Fighter, Mage, Thief or Jew."

Biting her lip, Rachel elected to vengeance on Eric later; no bully lived to push her around and get away with it, for every bully that did so had suffered a particularly nasty lashing from her fists and kicks, that... let's just say, landed them in a month-long hospitalisation.

As Eric put four different outfits in front of Rachel for her to choose, she moved her hand across each one.

"A fighter has courage, honour, and the ability to kick ass," Said Eric as Rachel hovered over the Fighter outfit.

Rachel nodded at this; a fighter sounded much like her, always solving her fights up close with brutal punches and kicks that would serve to incapacitate all but the hardiest of opponents.

"A mage is like a wizard, only not as cool," Said Eric about the mage outfit.

Rachel was unsure about being a wizard, then decided against it; spell-casting was never her forte, even in games.

"You look sneaky enough to be a thief," Said Eric as Rachel hovered over the Thief outfit.

Rachel contemplated on being a thief, since being one required her to be sneaky when needed. While she was not as sneaky as the protagonists from Assassin's Creed, she could certainly hide herself well from most people. She then hovered over the last one.

"Jew, huh? So I guess we'll never really be friends," Said Eric with disappointment.

Rachel frowned at this; it was obvious to her that Eric discriminated against races he did not like, making him a racist. Being a Jew herself, she did not appreciate Eric discriminating against Jews, as was proven by the words she heard just then.

Having learned about all the four outfits, she elected to become a Jew, if only to spite Eric.

Eric rolled his eyes, then said, "Everyone welcome to our kingdom Douchebag the Jew!"

Around her, everyone cheered, including Butters, though Eric was noticeably disappointed at her chosen class, given that the Jew class represented what he did not like. Rachel smirked at this, sticking out her tongue at Eric and making sure he saw it, and she smirked at the subdued angry expression Eric flashed her. And though she was dubbed Douchebag, she still smiled inwardly, hoping that name would be dropped as she played their game.

 _Alright South Park, let's see what you have to throw against me,_ Thought Rachel as she went to procure a weapon from Clyde.


	2. The Jew and martial artist

**I do not own Hokuto no Ken or South Park.  
**

 **Warning: As this is a South Park fic, it will contain offensive content that some will easily take offence to. If any of you are easily triggered by such, please do not read for your sake.**

 **You have been warned.**

 **Chapter I: The Jew and martial artist**

Having procured a staff of sorts from the weapons shop tended to by Clyde - which was a simple stick barely longer than her arm, she then proceeded to add Clyde, Scott, Kenny and Eric as friends on Facebook, making five friends she added in a single afternoon. Though she hardly thought of it as a weapon to be used in melee, it would have to do, as she could not get any other from the shop due to her 'level' being too low to permit it.

She made a few swings and thrusts with the stick, finding that while it may not sustain consistent punishment, it could at least last for a while before having to be replaced.

Eric then proceeded to tell her, "Alright Douchebag, now that you have procured yourself a weapon, it is time to teach you how to fight."

Smirking widely, Eric then said, "I want you to take your weapon, and with the bravery of a noble knight - beat up Clyde."

He pointed to the young boy tending the weapons shop, causing said boy to blink.

"What?" Clyde asked, which Eric ignored.

"Kick Clyde's ass, new kid!" Shouted Eric, causing Clyde to look at him in confusion.

"What did I do?" Asked Clyde.

"I'm the king Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused!" Eric snapped, then turned to Rachel, "Go on, new kid. Kick his ass."

Shrugging, Rachel moved into the designated sparring ring with Clyde, noticing his frustrated face as she levelled a steady gaze at the warrior opposite her. She took her staff, Clyde took his wooden sword, and both stood poised to strike the other in but a split second.

Clyde took the initiative, swinging his blade directly at Rachel's face. She dodged it, albeit by a slight margin, before proceeding to whack Clyde at his abdomen, causing him to stumble back as he clutched his side in pain.

"Oh hell yeah!" Eric cheered, "Clyde's your bitch!"

"That was fucking cheap, you bastard," Hissed Clyde, causing Rachel's lips to quirk slightly.

Roaring a warcry, Clyde rushed at Rachel again. Knowing that using the same technique again would be redundant, so he instead caught the blow with her staff, forcing the both of them into a standstill. With Clyde being stronger, however, Rachel was forced back, and it was her turn to feel pain as she was hit in the arm by Clyde's wooden sword.

Rubbing her throbbing arm, she scowled at Clyde, who gave her an arrogant, triumphant expression in return.

 _I swear, you're gonna get it, Clyde,_ Thought Rachel as she prepared to attack once again.

"Clyde's wearing armour," Shouted Eric, "To hurt him, you gotta hit him as hard as you can!"

A slight grin then adorned Rachel's lips. That can certainly be done.

Rushing at Clyde, she struck at Clyde, her staff being swiftly blocked by Clyde. Using the other end of the staff, she butted Clyde near his armpit, causing him to stagger slightly, before she reared back a fist and struck Clyde directly in the face, injuring his nose with an audible crack and drawing blood as red droplets trickled down from his nostrils.

"Ah!" Clyde faltered, holding his nose.

"Oh shit dude!" Eric said, clapping happily, "I think I see blood! Fucking nice brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armour like that!"

As Clyde struggled to regain his bearings, Rachel began to smile broadly, loving the feeling of adrenaline rushing through her veins as she engaged in combat. She had to admit, it was fun to play, this make-believe medieval game.

"The key to winning a fight is not to get hit in the balls," Eric said to Rachel, "Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls."

Rachel snorted in amusement, even as Clyde attacked once again. She exerted little effort in blocking Clyde's attacks, since they were not very strong to begin with.

"That's what I'm talking about! Dude, you're already way better than Clyde!" Eric said, "Alright, time to use your heroic powers!"

 _The fuck?_ Thought Rachel, who turned to Eric for an answer.

Rolling his eyes, Eric then told her, "Come on, new kid. Think. Every RPG has heroes who use some sort of heroic powers, aside from the basic attacks, you know?"

Rachel nodded, then tried to think of an adequate 'power' to use in her fight with Clyde. Suddenly, an idea flashed into her mind; grabbing a nearby sock and a pebble, she placed the rock in the sock, then swinging it a few times, she loosed the rock from the sock as a projectile was loosed from a sling, which hit Clyde directly in the abdomen, knocking the air out of him and causing him to stumble in agony.

Clyde glared at Rachel, who then flashed a small, kind smile as she extended a hand, which he took as he took a piece of cloth from the other hand to press against his bleeding nose.

"Ha ha ha! Dude, that was awesome!" Eric laughed boisterously, "You were all like, wham! And Clyde was like 'Nooo!' Ha ha, that was sweet!"

Rachel sighed heavily, beginning to develop a deep dislike for the fat boy.

"Okay, okay," Eric said, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes, "You've proved yourself worthy Douchebag. Come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic."

Eric then proceeded to make his way inside the tent while the others dispersed, Clyde leaning on the table of the weapons shop as he held the handkerchief to his nose to stop the bleeding.

Rachel then followed Eric inside the tent, and as she walked inside, she could make out objects of all sorts lying about, from weapons to drawings of various kinds, though one stood out from the rest, with the top of the tent having an opening to allow light to shine on the sacred relic that Eric talked about.

Which was nothing more than a single, unimpressive stick lying on a pillow, which rested on a raised dais.

Rachel frowned at this.

 _This is the relic?_ She thought in exasperation, _Cartman certainly likes to over-exaggerate._

"There it is, the reason why Humans and Elves are locked in a never ending war. The relic for which both Human and Elf are willing to die. The stick of Truth," Said Cartman, who turned to Rachel with a serious expression on his face.

"Just two days ago, we took back the Stick from the Elves. Our Kingdom was dying, but now it thrives! For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe."

Eric then turned around, shielding his eyes as Rachel looked at him in confusion.

"Don't gaze at it for too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" He shouted, before both proceeded to leave the tent.

"Now that you've seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues," Said Eric, "Being a member of my Kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible..."

Rachel inwardly groaned, the desire to simply sock Eric in the face becoming overwhelmingly tempting.

 _I swear, one more ridiculous order I hear from him and I'll..._ Thought Rachel, before she heard Butters rushing towards the both of them, shouting, "Alarm! Alarm!"

"Butters, what's going on?" Eric asked.

"The Elves are attacking!" Butters said, and immediately Eric's face became serious.

"Oh my God, Defensive positions!" Eric ordered, and shaking her head, Rachel rushed towards where the Elves were attacking, preparing to defend Kupa Keep and the Stick of Truth.

 _This day just keeps getting better and better,_ Mused Rachel, even as she prepared for battle.

IIOII

"Alright, that should do it," Wendy said with satisfaction at Kenshiro's new clothes.

Kenshiro inspected herself in the mirror, nodding in satisfaction at her new attire that Wendy had helped her to choose.

Her clothing was fairly simple; slim-fit blue jeans and a red sweatshirt that fir her body perfectly, accentuating her curves and muscles to show her toned feminine figure. For footwear, she wore long, black leather boots, capable of keeping her feet warm without restricting her movements with comfortable, warm socks underneath. Her undergarments were sports undergarments, capable of covering her private parts and yet capable of accommodating her expanding bulk.

At first, Wendy took Kenshiro to her house to offer her some clothes, but as she inspected her inventory and as Kenshiro tried them on, she found that they were too small for Kenshiro's body, which made her taller and larger than most girls her age. Moreover, she did not have the money on hand to simply buy new clothes for Kenshiro. Asking her to wait in her house for a bit, Wendy went out, and after a few minutes, came back with a bag full of clothes.

Kenshiro knew not where the clothes came from, and frankly she did not want to know.

As Wendy watched Kenshiro appraise her outfit, she had to admit she was _hot_ ; the perfect balance struck between her feminine curves and toned muscles gave her the figure of an Olympics athlete, one that girls would willingly die for. She also admitted that she was pretty darn tall for girls her age; with a physical age of ten, her meticulously conditioned body gave her the height of a twelve-year old, which served to somehow enhance her appeal even more.

Not that she was romantically interested in her - she already had a boyfriend, but she was certain quite a few boys would want to grab her attention and vie to have the honour of being her boyfriend - and perhaps a few lesbians.

She was, however, concerned about the seven scars she saw on her chest when she helped her dress; for some reason unknown to Wendy, Kenshiro had much difficulty wearing her new undergarments, as if she had never worn them in her entire life. The scars seemed horrendous, sticking out like miniature craters on her torso. Bizarrely, they were arranged in the pattern of the Big Dipper, which she had seen so many times in the starry night sky.

When asked how she obtained them, Kenshiro was exceptionally cryptic about it, preferring not to explain in detail, only saying that her former rival gave them to her.

Wendy was unsatisfied at that answer, but she could tell Kenshiro would not willingly divulge such facts, and so settled to leave the matter be.

As she settled the payment for Kenshiro's clothes, Wendy said to Kenshiro, "Well, that's everything. If you need anything, just give me a holler and I'll see what I can do for you. Here, I'll give you my phone number."

Taking a piece of paper and a pen, she jotted down her phone number and handed it to her, which she took with a look of confusion.

"Actually, what is a mobile phone?" Asked Kenshiro.

The look of incredulity Wendy gave her seemed quite funny to Kenshiro, especially when she moved to answer her question, only to hear a ringing sound emnating from her pocket. Kenshiro looked around for the source of it, finding it to be a black metal box of sorts that Wendy took from her pocket.

With a look of alarm, she said, "Oh shit, I'm late for the girls' meeting! Sorry, but I gotta now! See you!"

"Wait, I do not even know what must I do with this phone number..." Kenshiro said but trailed off at the end, seeing that Wendy was already gone, "Damn, she's already gone."

Sighing heavily, Kenshiro decided to exit Wendy's house, electing to continue her exploration of the mountain town she ended up in.

Though it was a far cry from being a full-fledged city, it was, in Kenshiro's opinion, the closest thing to civilisation she had encountered so far; it was more vibrant and full of life than any place he encountered in the barren wasteland he was so used to. Even the city her late love Yuria used to govern did not have the sense of peace and tranquillity this town of South Park had.

 _Rin, Bat, if only you could see this, just once..._ Thought Kenshiro as she walked along the streets, taking in the scenery before him.

It was not long however, before he stumbled upon a scene happening before him.

In front of him, he saw two boys, one crippled and wearing crutches on his arms, wearing a paper hat and a green cape on his shoulders, no older than ten years of age; the other, a head taller than the bespectacled boy, about twelve years of age as Kenshiro deduced, and who was obviously picking on him.

The taller bully seemed to derive pleasure from tormenting the boy before him, pinching his face, punching him, doing whatever he wished to the boy as if he were his personal slave meant to pleasure him in whatever way he desired.

"Ha ha! Whatcha gonna do now, little cripple?" Taunted the bully, even as his victim pleaded for mercy.

"P-Please, stop it!" Said the younger boy.

"Oh yeah? Make me then! Or do you believe someone's gonna stop me?" Said the bully, who proceeded to rear back his fist for another go.

Before he could execute a punch however, he felt someone grab his arm, and before he could react, he felt pressure on his arm, followed by an intense pain that coursed through his arm like a hot steel rod meeting his flesh.

The bully's immediate reaction was to writhe and scream in agony as he clutched his arm, not knowing what could have caused such pain from a simple squeeze of the arm. His eyes darted around to find the perpetrator responsible, but when he laid eyes on Kenshiro, his face became white with fear, and instantly any concerns about his arm evaporated like mist.

Kenshiro's blue eyes directed a steely gaze at the bully, the anger he felt towards the bully conveyed in full to the trembling boy before her, and though his facial expression betrayed no emotion, both the bully and the crippled boy could tell she was incensed.

"Do you derive pleasure from tormenting the weak, you dog?" Kenshiro said to the bully, her angry gaze increasing in intensity as the bully tried to stand up.

"W-What do ya mean, I'm a dog!?" Asked the bully, "Other than that, who the hell are you!?"

"Your disciplinary teacher," Stated Kenshiro, "It is time someone taught you proper manners."

"Why you little... how about this!?"

The bully took a pocket knife from his pocket, and holding out the edge of the blade to Kenshiro, he said, "You still wanna act brave, you bastard!?"

"Use your knife carefully," Said Kenshiro, who cracked her knuckles, "If you miss, your arm will be injured."

"S-Shut up!" Shouted the bully, who threw the knife at Kenshiro, aiming it at her face.

Kenshiro's response was to grab the knife between her middle and index finger, effortlessly stopping the knife before it could strike true.

 **Hokuto Shinken: Nishi Shinkuu Ha**

 **(** **二指真空把)**

 ** _Two-Finger Nil-Space Grasp_**

And with a flick of her wrist, she sent the knife flying back towards the bully, which embedded itself in his arm, causing him to scream in pain as blood began trickling out of his wound.

"H-Holy shit!" Gasped the cripple in surprise.

"Ah! What the fuck! What the fuck!?" Cried the bully.

"You had better get that arm treated quickly," Said Kenshiro, uncaring of the fact the bully was bleeding, "And I suggest you do no such thing again, lest you face the wrath of my fists."

The bully was quick to get the message as he quickly fled from her, all the while cursing about his wounded arm and the 'scary bitch' that caused his injury.

Kenshiro then turned his attention to the crippled boy, who while bore a few bruises here and there, was in no serious condition. Time would remedy and heal his wounds.

"I-I gotta say I n-never seen someone that afraid or who runs so f-f-fast," Said the crippled boy, helped up by a hand from Kenshiro, "My name's J-Jimmy, I am known as the Bard, what's yours?"

"Kenshiro," Said the woman with seven scars, "Though you may call me Ken."

"Kenshiro? That's a w-weird name for a g-girl," Said Jimmy, "I've never s-seen you around here before, you new?"

Kenshiro nodded.

"Might I ask what is with your clothing?" Asked Kenshiro, "Perhaps it may just be me, but I do not believe that is clothing one would normally wear in these parts."

"O-Oh, I see," Jimmy said, "Well then, I'll explain."

Harrumphing, Jimmy then began to explain in a poor pseudo-cultured accent, "We are in the middle of a n-never-ending war, my friend. For centuries, we Elves of Larnion have fought with the Humans of Kupa Keep for c-c-control of a single relic, the Stick of Truth. Constantly, blood is s-shed for possession of the relic, for the Stick of Truth allows its p-p-possessor to control the universe itself, bending it to his whim and fancy. These are dark times for the lands of Zaron, for a-always has the Stick changed hands, and always have people died to maintain possession of it."

Kenshiro nodded; judging by his strange attire and the poor mimicking of a different accent, she deduced that they were playing a make-believe medieval sort of game crafted from their wells of imagination. She had to admit, they were quite creative and thorough with creating the whole game.

Kenshiro said nothing despite her obvious confusion, even as Jimmy continued, "Just recently, the H-Humans have reclaimed the Stick from us and house it within their kingdom, but our f-f-forces already have been dispatched to retrieve it from K-Kupa Keep, and we have a p-p-plan to make sure we get it back."

"A relic, for which both Human and Elf and willing to die..." Kenshiro murmured, "A relic, which has caused nothing but division and strife, where the weak are constantly oppressed and devoid of salvation, where only the strong would prevail."

Surprised at this, Jimmy then said, "Y-yeah, it's unfortunate, but that is why the Stick of Truth has constantly c-changed hands almost every single day."

"Then perhaps it would be better if it did not exist at all," Said Kenshiro, a tone of finality in her voice, "I do not find centuries of bloodshed to be worth a single relic, even if it is an omnipotent one."

The seriousness in which Kenshiro uttered her words sent shivers down Jimmy's spine, more so when he saw the fire in Kenshiro's eyes, filled with anger and sadness to such a great degree that rendered Jimmy speechless, the words dying in his mouth.

"But might I ask that I see the Elven king?" Kenshiro asked, much to Jimmy's surprise.

"I-I can do that, but w-why?" Asked Jimmy, "Judging by what you said, I thought you didn't want to have anything to do with us."

"I was brought here by the heavens to perform a task," Said Kenshiro, "If I must involve myself in the conflict between the Elves and Humans, so be it."

"Uh.. O-Okay, just follow me and I'll t-take you to the Elven king," Said Jimmy, who beckoned Kenshiro to follow him.

"Oh, and b-by the way, what was that t-t-trick with the whole catching-knife-between fingers thing?" Asked Jimmy, curiosity in his voice.

"Nishi Shinkuu Ha, Two-Finger Nil-Space Grasp," Kenshiro explained, "A defensive technique that allows the user to catch projectiles between one's fingers, and sending it back at the same speed and trajectory towards the enemy. Though it is a defensive technique, often it results in death when used. The bully just now was spared only because I deliberately changed the trajectory of the knife. Had I truly wished for his death, the knife would have struck his skull instead."

Jimmy blinked at this, unsure of how Kenshiro spoke so casually of causing death to another person. Exactly where was she living before she came to South Park, causing her to speak of death as if it were part of her daily life.

Though considering that South Park itself had seen its fair share of bloodshed and tumultuous events, he was not one to say anything on the matter.

"S-So you're like a martial artist?" Asked Jimmy.

Another nod was Kenshiro's answer.

"Your accent sounds like Japanese, a-are you from Japan?"

Yet another nod.

"My art originated from China, though my mentor migrated to Japan before passing it to me, his successor," Said Kenshiro.

"Y-You don't talk much, do you?" Asked Jimmy.

A firm shake of the head was Kenshiro's answer.

"May we go and see the Elf king, please?" Asked Kenshiro, "Time is of the essence."

"O-Oh sure, let us depart immediately!"

IIOII

As Kenshiro and Jimmy reached the door of a green-walled residence, Jimmy proceeded to ring the doorbell. After a few minutes of waiting, the door opened to reveal a young boy around the same age as him, dressed in a medieval-styled outfit replete with a blue helmet adorned with a red feather, a green cloak around his back and a leather belt with a steel buckle around his waist. In his hand was a black greatsword nearly the length of his entire arm, yet he lifted it with little difficulty, as though it was light as a feather.

"Greetings, Bard, I welcome you back to the Elven Kingdom, but who's the girl with you?" Asked the boy with the blue helmet, even as he was stunned by Kenshiro's intimidating appearance.

"Greetings, ranger Stan. T-This is Kenshiro, a wanderer I met," Said Jimmy, "I have brought her here so that she may see the Elven king, as she desires to do so. She says that it is so she could f-f-fulfil a task given to her b-by the heavens."

"A wanderer, huh?" Said Stan, crossing his arms with an expression of wariness directed at Kenshiro, "Are you sure she can be trusted? She looks like a sixth-grader to me."

"S-She saved me from a sixth-grader who was b-beating me up, I can v-v-vouch for her," Said Jimmy with certainty.

Seeing that Jimmy would not be persuaded otherwise, Stan then relented, and said, "Alright, she may come in, but I'm warning you, Kenshiro, if you do anything stupid, you're gonna regret it."

A simple nod was Kenshiro's response, before she was led into the residence's backyard with Jimmy and Stan as escorts.

As soon as Kenshiro entered the backyard, she could see it was filled with over a dozen boys, two dozen and a half at the most, according to his estimates, all wearing medieval-styled costumes and fake pointed ears and doing various things, from tending shops filled with props, to maintaining watch on the giant tree fitted with wooden platforms and ladders, all the while taking note of the centrepiece attraction in the middle of the backyard.

Many of them cast glances at her, most gasping at sight of her, others turning their faces away to cover their blushing cheeks. Kenshiro was confused at this; she was not indecently dressed, why would they avert their glances as if they were staring at something inappropriate? Was it something she did not notice earlier, or were they just being shy?

Whatever the case, Kenshiro left that aside as she neared the place where the Elf king was residing.

Sitting on a makeshift throne of wood on an elevated platform was a single boy, wearing a red bathrobe tailored with intricate patterns, green gloves and an oversized green parka on his head, with a crown of twigs worn on top of the parka. At his side was a single golf club, presumably serving as his weapon or symbol of power as king.

"M-My lord Kyle, this girl wishes to speak with you," Said Jimmy, bowing before the boy Elf king.

As the boy king looked at Kenshiro, he was instantly stunned speechless by the girl before her; porcelain skin that glistened in the sun; long, wavy hair cascading down her shoulders like threads of silk; bright, piercing blue eyes that seemed to sparkle; a well-toned, yet curvy body that struck a balance between feminine beauty and masculine bulk that drew the envy of many, both boy and girl. The clothes she wore only accentuated those features, making her even more attractive, despite covering much of her flesh.

He was unaware that he was gaping at the sight of Kenshiro until he heard Stan calling out to her.

"My lord? Are you there?" Asked Stan, wondering what caused the king to be unreactive.

"Uh.. Oh yes, I heard you wished to see me, stranger?" Asked Kyle, to which Kenshiro nodded.

"Indeed I do, king of the Elves," Said Kenshiro, bowing in respect, "I am Kenshiro, a wanderer ordained by the heavens to perform a task in this land. To do that, I must be involved in your conflict between your kind and the Humans."

"So, you're offering to join the Elves?" Asked the king.

Kenshiro nodded, saying nothing else.

Just then, a group of boys dressed as Elves returned to the backyard, one of them holding a stick in his hands with a triumphant expression.

"My king, we have the Stick!" Proclaimed the stick-holder, "The plan worked; we managed to distract the Humans long enough to overpower the Stick's guardian and reclaim the artefact!"

"Well done, Elves!" Said Kyle, "Jimmy, I assign you as the Stick's guardian! Hide in the Inn of the Giggling Donkey with a group of our best men, and organise a trap for Cartman and his men! Make sure they don't get the Stick back!"

"Y-Yes, my lord, your will be done," Said Jimmy with a bow, who then was given possession of the Stick.

"Ken, you will head to the inn as well and help Jimmy guard the Stick," Said Kyle to Ken, "We'll keep you updated through Twitter messages."

"Actually, what is Twitter?" Asked Kenshiro, "More than that, what is a mobile phone?"

The sheer ridiculousness of her question caused everyone to look at her, not expecting such a question to be asked in the first place with one thought echoing in their thoughts: She doesn't know what a mobile phone is?

Kyle was the first to recover from the shock of the ridiculous question being asked, and said to Kenshiro, "Let's get this straight: You don't know what a mobile phone is?"

"No," Said Kenshiro.

"The internet, Facebook, Youtube?"

Kenshiro shook her head.

Pinching the bridge of his nose to stave off his headache, Kyle then said, "Alright... um, Ken, I think you'll need a phone if you're gonna play with us. I mean, you don't really need it to do so, but we use our phones all the time to communicate with each other. Otherwise, we're gonna have communication problems and everyone's gonna run around like headless chickens, you know what I mean?"

Kenshiro nodded, seeing his logic.

"Okay then, Jimmy, you're gonna have to do your job without Ken, I gotta help her get a phone," Said Kyle, who stood up from his throne and took his golf club, beckoning for Kenshiro to follow him.

IIOII

"It's gone," Said Clyde, a look of disappointment evident on his face.

"What?" Asked Eric in disbelief.

"The Stick of Truth," Clyde clarified, "The Elves got it."

The battle for Kupa Keep had resulted in a defeat for the Humans; though the Elven raiders had been repelled easily enough with the help of Rachel, they had made use of the ensuing chaos to overpower Clyde and take the Stick from under their noses, and so the Stick was once again in possession of the Elves of Larnion.

"WHAT!?" Shouted Eric in obvious frustration, "You had one fucking job Clyde, and that was to guard the Stick of Truth!"

Regaining his breath for a moment, Eric then said, "Clyde, you are hereby banished from space and time!"

Clyde gave Eric a dumbstruck look, and then demanded, "What the fuck!? You can't do that!"

"Yeah, I can!" Eric replied, "You're banished and lost in space and time!"

"Yeah, go home Clyde!" Butters cut in.

Curling his lip in anger, Clyde threw his helmet to the ground in frustration. Giving one last glance at Rachel, he stormed off and went out through the gate. Rachel frowned, eyes lingering on Clyde before turning back to Eric.

"You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag," Eric said with a nod.

"Yeah," Said Scott, "The new kid may be a douchebag, but he sure can fight."

Rachel rolled her eyes and inwardly groaned. _Seriously, they're gonna keep calling me that?_

"Shut up Scott, nobody cares what you think. Anyway, we have a bigger problem now," Said Eric, motioning for the group of Humans to follow him into the War tent. Once they were inside, he took a seat on a chair, his eyes lingering on all present.

"The Stick of Truth has been stolen and we must assemble out entire army to get it back," Stated Eric, who proceeded to stuff a mouthful of cheesy poof into his mouth.

Butters stepped forward and said, "But out three best warriors haven't reported for duty, my king!"

"Our newest member can take care of that!" Eric said, turning to Rachel, "Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighbourhood and find my three greatest warriors; Token, Tweek and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now."

Rachel pulled out his phone and inspected the three photos Eric sent to her.

The first photo showed a black, male kid. At the risk of sounding racist, Rachel found it easier to search for him, given that she had yet to find any African-American children in town.

The second was of a blonde-haired boy, whose hair was an absolute mess, with locks sticking out in random directions. He showed obvious signs of twitching, and his pine green shirt was not properly buttoned. Rachel would not be surprised if the boy had lost his cool after Eric had taken his picture.

The third and final one was of a boy wearing a blue chullo hat with a yellow puffball on top, his face a blank mask devoid of emotion. This one struck Rachel as the one to usually wear a blank expression.

As Rachel pocketed her phone, Eric stood up from his chair and walked to her, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Beware," Warned Eric, "The lands outside are full of marauding Drow Elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Be sure to be well-equipped. I'll be sending Butters with you to help. Now go! And send my warriors here!"

Eric gave Rachel's shoulder a slap before moving to sit on his 'throne'. As Butters and Rachel made their way to the gate, they stepped out into the street, ready to perform and fulfil the task Eric had assigned to them before the day was done.

 **A/N: Some of you might be concerned if Kenshiro would steal the spotlight from my Douchebag character, given that Ken is such an OP character and that Douchebag is supposed to be the main protagonist of the Stick of Truth.**

 **While that might have a chance of happening, rest assured that I will write to the best of my ability to ensure no character overshadows the other.  
**

 **Also, I will mostly stick true to the Stick of Truth's original storyline, since so many of its parts are just too darn good to change, in my opinion. Furthermore, I will stick to some original pairings in South Park, including the Stan-Wendy one, though I will also introduce original pairings later on in the story as it progresses.**

 **Other than that, please review and enjoy.**

 **Hokuto Shinken is invincible!**


	3. Woman of Hokuto

**Chapter II: Woman of Hokuto**

In his entire life, Kyle Broflovski had thought he had seen and dealt with all of the outrageous and most menacing threats to ever plague South Park his entire life. He had saved the whole of America from the brink of bankruptcy at the expense of being indebted for life; he had seen Satan and Saddam Hussein's plan to conquer America undone through the efforts of he and his friends; he had even seen an entire invasion of guinea pigs being thwarted through the unintentional actions of his friend Craig, which resulted in the Peruvian Harmonica players being freed, allowing them to repel the monstrous guinea pigs through the power of their music.

All in all, he thought he had seen enough ridiculous things to consider having seen too much for a lifetime.

And yet, right now, he was dealing with someone who had absolutely _no knowledge_ on how to operate a simple iphone. He assumed that like all people of the modern world, Ken would at least have some exposure to modern technology, let alone have a modicum of technological aptitude. Yet as he took Ken to the electronics store to buy him a phone, he noticed that the black-haired girl seemed awed by almost every single thing they came across in their walk to the shop; the street lights, the ordinary family-owned vehicle, the public payphone, every single thing seemed to elicit an expression of awe from her, albeit a subdued one.

This led him to wonder just what sort of place did Kenshiro live in before he came to South Park, to behave as if he were a child in a candy store when surrounded by all the technology many came to take for granted. Was she so poor she could not afford one, as Kenny could not afford most things with his family being destitute?

What Kyle did not know was that so much of his world's technology had not even been experienced by Kenshiro and his war-torn world's inhabitants, aside from the motor vehicle, kinetically generated electricity, electrical lighting, et cetera, not since Kenshiro's world was engulfed in nuclear fires and civilisation brought to its knees.

Most people would lose their patience upon dealing with a person who simply could do things as they were supposed to be done after repeated attempts at teaching one how to do so. Yet, as Kyle taught Kenshiro about the functions of her new iphone, the young Jew found himself drawing upon a seemingly endless reservoir of patience he did not know he possessed, as if he did not mind spending tens of minutes on end just teaching his new friend how to properly use an iphone.

Perhaps he simply did have such monumental patience within her. Perhaps he simply did not mind taking his time teaching Kenshiro about one of the most fundamental tools every modern person needed to possess for daily usage in modern society. Whatever the reason, Kyle found himself not complaining about it one single bit.

"No no no, that's not how you take a selfie," Kyle repeated for what seemed to be the third time, "Press that button that shows a rotating camera, then once the phone screen shows your face, press the camera button for taking a selfie."

Kenshiro did so with Kyle's guidance, and surely enough, managed to take an actual selfie, the first proper one he took with her previous attempts being an utter failure.

As neither his parents nor his brother Ike had a spare old phone to give, Kyle had to resort to using his American Express Credit Card to buying a new phone for Kenshiro, adding yet again to his already massive debt - which measured in trillions of American dollars. It was not easy, but Kenshiro began to learn how to use the basic functions of the phone, from text messaging to phone calling, and as every child in South Park used Facebook, learned how to use the functions of the social media website with Kyle's tutoring.

Kyle had to admit, seeing Kenshiro fumble around with the iphone's functions made her look rather cute.

"Alright," Said Kyle, "Now that you know everything you need to know about Facebook, I'll add you as a friend on Facebook."

Kyle typed on his phone, and after hearing a brief ringing, Kenshiro checked her phone to see a notification which stated that he had Kyle Broflovski as a new friend on Facebook. She also saw that Kyle had posted a selfie of both her and Kyle at the entrance to the electronics store, one that Kyle had taken prior to them entering it and obtaining the new phone, with a caption that read, " _Me and my new friend at the electronics store, helping her to get a new phone._ "

Looking at the time on his phone, Kyle was surprised at the time displayed on it.

"Shit, it's already four-thirty?" Thought Kyle in surprise before saying to Kenshiro, "Alright Ken, now that you have a message raven at your command, I order you as your king to aid Jimmy in protecting the Stick and keeping it out of Cartman's hands. I'm sending you the address to the Inn of the Giggling Donkey now."

Kenshiro had to resist giving a snort at that; they were using their phones as messenger ravens? Then again, since this whole war was make-believe and that Kenshiro offered his service to the Elves, she decided to play along. With address in hand, she set out for the Inn - which was in fact Jimmy's house, while Kyle walked in another direction towards his home.

IIOII

 _Meanwhile, about half an hour earlier...  
_

With the help of Butters who acted as her guide in navigating the streets of South Park, Rachel was able to easily find Tweek - the boy with messy blond hair - at South Park's most frequented and only coffee shop, Tweak Coffee, easily identified by its large signage with the exact same words as its name.

As both Rachel and Butters stepped into the coffee shop, they heard a man say, "Welcome to Tweak Coffee. Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. Its local coffee. Brewed locally."

Rachel had to frown at this. _Does he really have to repeat the same damn thing over and over? Then again, I suppose some people will just regurgitate things, whether others like it or not._

"Excuse me, I'm looking for Tweek. I heard he works here?" Rachel asked the brown haired man at the counter, the same man who said his rehearsed promotional spiel.

"You're looking for Tweek? Just one second," Said the man, before calling towards a door at the back of the shop, "Tweek?! Tweeeek!"

A panicked, high-pitched "Ahgh!" was what they heard from the door, which was labeled 'Employees only'.

"Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients!?" Asked the man, his voiced raised so that whoever was behind the door could hear him.

"Aahghgh not yet dad! I'm still trying to do all my chores!" Said the boy from behind the door.

"Well hurry up son, the family business is relying on you!" Shouted the man, now identified as the boy's father.

"Ahghghghgh!" Cried the boy behind the door, clearly frustrated and on edge from all the stress accumulated through having to do so much work for a boy.

Rachel's frown only deepened at this, seeing that this man and the woman helping at the counter - most likely her wife - depended on their son to complete the work that other adult employees could have taken care off. With a sigh, she and Butters bypassed the counter and entered the employees only section of the coffee shop, seeing the same boy with messy blond hair sweeping the floor with a broom that seemed too big for one of his size, surrounded by boxes, bags of coffee powder and other apparatus one would find in a coffee shop's storage room.

Rachel approached Tweek and handed him a letter addressed to him by Eric.

"What's this?!" Tweek said, and after reading the letter's contents, he said in a panicky state, "Ahghghgh! Now!? The guys need me now?! Oh there's no way man! I have _way_ too much to do!"

Judging by the constant shaking and twitching of his body, and by the panicky way in which he talked, it was no wonder to Rachel how Tweek had earned his name. Then to Rachel's surprise, Tweek had grabbed her by her shirt, tugging on it with surprising force as he shouted, "How am I supposed to do all this?! Wait - YOU!"

Tweek then continued, "Could you get the four o'clock delivery for me?! If you do I can finish here and then- and then I'll still have time to play!"

Taking on a pleading tone, Tweek then said, "Please! Would you?! It's at Kenny's house - like always! Y-You give them this, they'll give you the delivery!"

Nodding in confirmation, Rachel then took the envelope containing Tweek's order for 'local ingredients', and as Tweek went back to his work, he began to complain, "Ahghgh! How am I supposed to do all this?! There's no way man! Starbucks has like eight employees! Here it's just me! Aghghghgh!"

"Hard times for you, huh Tweek?" Butters commented.

"Aghghgh! You have no idea, Butters!" Replied Tweek.

Rachel held sympathy for Tweek, not wishing to be in the same state and circumstance as he was. With letter in hand, Rachel and Butters set off for Princess Kenny's house, ready to help Tweek get his delivery.

IIOII

As the duo reached Kenny's house, Rachel was unable to hide the look of shock on her face as he stared at the dilapidated house that served as home for Kenny and his family.

The paint covering the walls of the house was already peeling away in several sections of the walls, the window were cracked and held together with masking tape, and from the parts of the windows she could see through, the fabric of the curtains was ragged and torn, barely able to keep sunlight out. The garage itself was no better, with the shutter door rusted and dented in various places, even sporting a hole, its roof missing tiles and wood in various places, making it a poor place to take shelter from the elements.

"Uhh... Butters?" Asked Rachel, "Is that really Kenny's house?"

"Yup, that's right Richard," Butters said, calling her by her fake name, "Kenny's family has always been poor, though he never really complains about it all."

Rachel felt bad for Kenny; no child should have to live one's childhood in poverty.

Reaching towards the door, Rachel knocked on the door, after finding that the doorbell was no longer functional.

The door opened to reveal a redhaired woman whose hair was tied into a ponytail, her face covered in patches of dirt, and wearing a shirt with the words 'I'm with stupid'.

"What?" She said with a strong, southern American accent.

Handing Tweek's order to the woman, the woman then inspected the front of the envelope, then said to Rachel, "Oh, this isn't for _me._ This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out in the back. Here, take the key to the garage."

Once she handed the key and the envelope to Rachel, she went back inside, closing the door behind her.

With key in hand, she went to the garage that served as the guest house for the 'nice' people who had Tweek's order. Having to exert a little strength, both Rachel and Butters lifted the shutter door, the chore being physically tiring, the hinges for the shutter door most likely having rusted heavily. Using the loaned key, Rachel opened the door, allowing both she and Butters to enter the garage.

Immediately they were greeted with a stench, a mixture of strong body odour, the smell of rotten refuse, and drugs, the aggravating stench only slightly weakened by the holes in the roof. In the garage were three people, their clothes ragged and torn, their faces caked in dirt, their hair shaggy and smelly, a strong, strange stained onto their very beings. Their cheeks were sullen, their skin dotted with pimples from not having properly cleaned for a long time.

Rachel was on guard around these people; who knew just what they could do to her and Butters? She could understand that they were poor, and that they took to drug-making in order to make a living, but their bloodshot eyes and strange smells suggested drug addiction. Moreover, the various apparatus scattered throughout the garage were chemistry equipment, and bore the same stench the three people had.

"We're here for the package for Tweak Coffee," Rachel said, her hands hovering near her staff.

"Yeah yeah, we've got the package," One of the meth heads said, "You got the envelope?"

Offhandedly, Butters commented, "Uh, these witch doctors must be cooking up a secret potion. I wonder if it's a healing potion..."

Rachel rolled her eyes in irritation. _Seriously, how the hell can drugs constitute healing potions? There's a reason why governments across the world outlaw the usage of drugs among people.  
_

Nevertheless, Rachel handed the envelope to the meth head, who then said, "Hey, that's not the usual kid who picks up the package."

"Huh?" Said another meth head, whose eyes narrowed, "Oh shit, it's a cop!"

Hearing that, Rachel mentally facepalmed at the sheer stupidity of the meth heads. Exactly how did they pass off as police officers in their eyes? They were certainly not wearing any police uniforms or holding guns, though there were non-uniformed cops as well. More exactly, how the hell do ten-year old children become police officers?

Whatever the case, it was clear the meth head would not resolve the matter peacefully, as they began brandishing improvised weapons, from broken glass bottles to metal pipes and even plungers.

 _This day just keeps getting better and better..._ Thought Rachel sarcastically, as she took a sock and loaded it with a rock. Swinging it to build momentum, Rachel then loosed a rock into one of the meth head's faces, striking him directly in the forehead. The affected meth head immediately clutched his head in pain before passing out; he was alive, but out for the count.

Rachel wasted no time in whipping out her staff, blocking a hit from a meth head's plunger, while Butters spun around and threw his hammer into another meth head's knee, causing an audible crack as her knee fractured from the impact of Butter's hammer, before her cries of pain were mercifully cut short as Butters hit her again in the back of the head, knocking her out cold.

"I was just... seeing if it works!" Said Butters apologetically.

 _Technically, your hammer definitely worked in breaking a bone, Butters,_ Thought Rachel, who hit the meth head in the back of his leg, causing him to stumble from the pain caused by the hit, before he, too was knocked unconscious with an audible whack to the face.

Neither Butters nor Rachel were sweating, having exerted little strength in dealing with the meth heads. They did, however, quickly move to take the package - a paper bag with the label 'For Tweak Coffee' - before quickly leaving the garage and locking the door behind them, not wanting to deal with the meth heads any more than they wanted to.

Rachel noted that the package stank of drugs.

 _Note to self: Never take a single sip of Tweak Coffee,_ Thought Rachel, the mere thought of it filling her with trepidation on how people never discovered that their coffee was tainted with drugs.

With the package secure, they moved back to Tweak Coffee, finding Tweek in the storage room as Rachel moved to pass the package to Tweek.

With a look of relief, Tweek said, "You did it! You got the pickup! Oh thanks, man!"

He then turned to his father who was working on a coffee machine, and said to him, "Dad! I finished my work! Can I go play?"

"Where's today's delivery?" Asked Mr. Tweak.

"Right here, dad!" Tweek said, passing the package to his father.

Dipping a finger into the paper bag and tasting its contents, Mr. Tweak nodded in satisfaction as he said, "Mm. Yup, that's good shit."

He then turned to Tweek.

"Alright, Tweek, you can play for a little bit. But be home before dark or you'll be grounded," Said Mr. Tweak, before moving to a coffee machine and emptying the package's contents into it, "Grounded, like the fresh grinds of our all organic Tweak blend, made with ingredients from local tweakers."

Rachel snorted at how ridiculous his promotional spiel about Tweak Coffee sounded.

"Thanks kid," Said Tweek, "I gotta go get changed then I'll meet you at the kingdom."

 _One down, two to go,_ Thought Rachel, as she followed Butters to Token's house, the rich African-American who had taken residence in South Park.

IIOII

From Tweak Coffee to Token's house, it would have taken a five-minute walk, and Rachel's legs were beginning to tire from all the walking they had done earlier. Fortunately, with Butters' help, they did not have to do so. Instead, through the usage of the Timmy Express - a form of fast travel in this make-believe game, they cut down their travel time and reached their destination without having to exert themselves.

Apparently, the boy who drove the 'Express' was a boy named Timmy, hence its name. His Express consisted of his wheelchair pulling on several red wagons behind him, connected through layers and layers of duct tape, giving his Express several 'seats'. From what she heard from Butters, Rachel learned that Timmy was a neutral, level 7 Drow Elf, and that the rules for using his express is that so long as neither side fought on his Express, and that people of both factions do not use his Express at the same time, it was free for everyone to use.

Soon enough, they alighted at Token's house, which was a rather large, spacious-looking mansion surrounded by walls and two gates - one for people, the other for vehicles. Standing guard at the entrance gate was a single, slightly overweight security guard.

When they tried to enter, however, the guard said to them, "This is a gated community, sir. We do not allow in the riffraff. Move along, sir."

Ignoring him, Rachel tried to enter, only to receive a full dosage of pepper spray directly to her face. Suffice to say, she felt a burning sensation in her eyes and face, and felt the need to empty her stomach on the concrete pavement, a large puddle of vomit adorning the dull grey pathway.

"if you try again, I will pepper spray you back to the Stone Age," Said the Guard, before Rachel was forced to make a retreat from the entrance gate.

Once she managed to clear the spray from her eyes, she heard the tell-tale beep from her phone, and checked her Facebook account to see a comment posted by Cartman.

" _Hahahaha Dude someone just posted a video of you getting pepper sprayed! Hold on I gotta watch that again. Ahahahaha it's even better when you know what's coming!_ "

Rachel saw that four people liked the comment, but what shocked her was that Butters was one of those who liked his comment. She cast a somewhat disappointed expression at Butters, who looked guiltily on the floor and said, "I'm sorry for liking that mean comment."

"Then why did you like it in the first place?" Said Rachel, much to Butters' surprise.

"Wait, you actually talk?" Butters said in surprise.

"Not often, and not much," Said Rachel in response, "And regarding my question earlier, why?"

"Why? Well, Cartman's pretty much my only friend in South Park," Butters said, his gaze downcast, "Everyone else just bullies me and picks on me, since I'm pretty much a coward who can't really fight back."

Levelling her gaze straight into Butters' eyes, Rachel said in a stern tone, "Butters, people only pick on you if you're not assertive. Be assertive and brave, and people won't pick on you as much. You got that?"

Though short and simple, Butters felt the sternness of Rachel's words cut through to his core, and though he did not feel he could be assertive, he nonetheless nodded and said, "Okay, Richard. I'll remember that."

Just then, Rachel saw that a reply was posted to Cartman's earlier message, the portrait next to it showing a man aged between his forties and fifties, wearing an orange hat and jacket, a green vest worn over it.

" _Jimbo's Guns carries a selection of gas masks that renders pepper spray useless as a self-defence. Come visit,_ " Said the reply.

Having used the Timmy Express to travel to Jimbo's Guns and obtain a gas mask, the duo returned to Token's house, and this time the guard's pepper spray proved ineffective against Rachel's new gas mask.

"What the fuck? Oh no!" Said the guard, who brandished his nightstick.

Rachel was quick to brandish her staff in turn, and with her quick reflexes, whacked the security guard in several places on his legs, causing him to drop to his knees in pain, before he was knocked out with quick whacks to his face and neck, causing both places to sport dark blue-black bruises. With the guard incapacitated, Rachel and Butters were free to enter the estate, and recruit Token to their cause.

She also took the guard's nightstick, appraising it to be a much better weapon than her staff.

Walking up to the mansion's front door, Rachel pressed the doorbell, and after a few seconds, the door opened to reveal a boy with chocolate brown skin and short curly hair, wearing a sweatshirt with the letter T imprinted on it. The boy was none other than Token, his facial features the same as shown in Rachel's photograph of him.

"Hello?" Said Token, "Can I help you?"

Rachel then passed him Cartman's letter addressed to him. Reading it, he then said, "Oh, the Elves took the Stick again? Hang on a second."

He closed the door, and after a few moments, reopened it, revealing him in his new outfit which consisted of a purple winter vest over a white sweatshirt, leather gloves, a red headband with a Nike logo over his head and a red cloak draped around his shoulders over his back.

"Thank you for thy message, traveler!" Said Token, "I shall make haste to Kupa Keep! Mom! Can you drive me to Eric's house?"

Having taken care of recruiting Token, the duo exited the house estate, though not before passing by the security guard in the kiosk next to the entrance gate, who said, "Move along, sir. I am too ashamed and embarrassed to talk to you, sir.

They then made their way to the residence of Craig Tucker, a light brown-walled residence. Ringing the doorbell, the door opened to show a slightly overweight man with slightly balding orange hair and a pointed chin, wearing a blue sweatshirt over a light blue shirt underneath.

"Ya lookin' for Craig?" He asked, to which the duo nodded, "Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flippin' off the principal."

As the door slammed shut, Rachel groaned slightly, loud enough for Butters to pick up on her obvious annoyance at this.

"Oh no, Craig's in jail!" Stated Butters, "We gotta tell the Grand Wizard!"

 _No shit, Sherlock,_ Thought Rachel as they hastily made their way back to Eric's house.

IIOII

By the time Rachel and Butters returned to Kupa Keep, they could see that all of Cartman's other warriors, including Token and Tweek, had already assembled in Eric's backyard prior to their arrival. Butters was quick to report, "All soldiers, reporting for duty, Grand Wizard!"

Eric nodded in satisfaction at seeing almost all of his warriors present, saying, "Nice work, Douchebag. Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the- wait a minute, where is Feldspar? Where is my level 12 Thief?"

Token was the first to answer, "He's in detention."

"What?" Said Eric, aghast at this.

"He flipped off the principal, so he's in detention again," Affirmed Tweek, half-naked with body paint adorning most of his body, his sword secured to his side through a leather belt.

"Oh my god..." Eric said, trailing off slightly, "...if they've locked away out Thief in detention we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth! We have to break him out!"

At this, Tweek was quick to panic, who hastily said, "Agh! No way man, last time we broke Craig out of detention we _all_ got into trouble!"

Eric was quick to retort, "Getting into trouble is a risk that Douchebag is willing to take!"

All eyes suddenly turned to Rachel, who rolled her eyes and groaned loudly in her mind, the temptation of beating up Eric into a whimpering, sobbing mess beginning to gain more appeal by the minute.

Ignorant of Rachel's obvious dissatisfaction at his constant ordering her around, Eric walked up to Rachel and said, "You have to break out our Thief, Douchebag. But don't worry, I will not let you go unprepared. I am going to teach you how to use magic. Meet me at the training barracks. It's time for you to learn 'Dragonshout'."

 _Dragonshout? As in Fus Ro Dah from Skyrim?_ Wondered Rachel as she followed Eric to the barracks, where a couple of training dummies was set up at the sparring area.

As Rachel approached Eric, who was standing next to one of the dummies, Eric said to her, "You fight well, Douchebag, but to truly succeed in combat you must learn to harness the power... of your farts."

All of a sudden, Rachel lost the stomach to continue with learning the 'magic' Eric was going to teach her.

 _God... are you serious? I have to fart on my enemies now? Lord, please have mercy on me..._ Thought Rachel with sudden despair, not wishing to perform such a disgusting act in her life. Sadly, as she was supposed to help Eric break out his friend Craig from detention, which would undoubtedly involve having to confront hallway monitors stationed at the local school, she found she had no other choice.

And who knows? Perhaps the new magic she was learning could prove beneficial in helping to break out Craig from detention, aside from having to confront hallway monitors who had knowledge of the school's layout and how to fortify it against unwanted trespassers.

Eric then said to Rachel, oblivious to the maelstrom of thoughts raging in her head, "Farting on an opponent at precisely the right time is key to battle. I shall show you how it's done, but _first_ , you must take the Gentleman's Oath. You must promise to _never_ , _ever_ fart on anyone's balls. Okay? Farting on an opponent is necessary, but farting on someone's balls is _not cool_."

 _Well duh, farting on people in general is not cool,_ Thought Rachel.

"Do you understand?" Asked Cartman. After receiving a half-hearted nod from Rachel, he said, "All right, then let's begin your training."

"To conjure Dragonshout, you must first clear your mind and take in a deep breath... through your butthole. Like this," Explained Eric, who began clenching his sphincter muscles, his face a mask of absolute concentration, "Then... let it rumble inside you... and... Dragonshout!"

Eric then released an audible fart loud enough for Rachel to hear, said fart causing a dummy to sway back and forth a little.

 _Wow. I'll admit, that was a pretty powerful fart,_ Thought Rachel as she watched Eric's demonstration.

"I'll show you one more time," Said Eric, who proceeded to prepare another 'Dragonshout', "Suck it in... let it rumble... Dragonshout!"

Eric released yet another powerful fart, knocking the dummy back slightly.

"Now you," Said Eric to Rachel, "Ready? Dragonshout!"

 _I can't believe I'm about to do this..._ Thought Rachel as she stepped into the sparring ring, preparing to release a Dragonshout at the same dummy subject to Eric's farts.

She did as Eric demonstrated, sucking in air from her butthole and letting it rumble. When she released her Dragonshout however, both she and Eric were shocked at the loud, boisterous and powerful fart that came out of her arse, hitting the dummy and causing it to sway from the sheer force of her fart.

"My god that was... incredible," Eric admitted, "A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so... boisterous."

"Could it be that the prophecies have come true?" Wondered Eric, "Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last in our hour of need?"

 _What Dragonborn? I'm just a kid who somehow can conjure very powerful farts in her ass, fatass,_ Thought Rachel.

"Now let's try your skill on a _real_ opponent," Said Eric, his expression suddenly becoming mischievous, "Hey, hey, Princess Kenny, could you come here a sec?"

As Kenny walked towards them, Eric bade Rachel to keep quiet and not say a single word, not wanting to ruin an unpleasant surprise he had planned for Princess Kenny.

 _I see where this is going,_ Thought Rachel, _But you're going to have a surprise of your own, fatass._

"Princess Kenny, Douchebag wants to show you something," Eric said to Kenny, "All right, you two - spar!"

Kenny assumed a stance, prompting Eric to say to Rachel, "Sir Douchebag, show Princess Kenny the magical powers I have taught you."

With a devilish smirk on her face, which Eric mistook as Rachel agreeing to his plan, Rachel prepared to fart in Kenny's direction. At the last moment however, Rachel aimed her arse at Eric, causing him to experience the full brunt of Rachel's powerful and smelly Dragonshout instead. Eric was quick to gag at the stench of Rachel's farts, and in fact vomited on the ground in disgust, whilst Kenny and Rachel giggled at the misery Eric was experiencing.

"Goddamnit, Douchebag!" Said Eric, who was still gagging at the stench of Rachel's farts, "I said to fart on Princess Kenny, not me!"

Rachel simply ignored his protests, instead settling for looking away in feigned ignorance while Kenny giggled, his voice muffled by his oversized parka covering his head. Having enjoyed what he saw, Kenny walked away from the barracks, leaving Rachel alone with Eric as he struggled to keep his food down in his stomach.

"Ugh... damn stinky farts," Mumbled Eric, before saying to Rachel, "But dude, seriously remember, don't _ever_ fart on anyone's balls. Okay, seriously. Now that you have mastered Dragonshout, things will be easier for you. Kenny will assist you on your quest, Douchebag. Now go get Craig while I rest and recover from your stinky farts."


	4. Update

I might be a dick to all of you by saying this, but I'm rewriting this story.

I know that in my previous stories, particularly my Dragon Age/Mass Effect crossover, I had rewritten that about three times or so, and I will admit I've not been happy about that along with you. However, I realised that my earlier chapters were rushed just like some chapters in The galaxy's greatest Warriors, all written purely on mood swings without proper planning.

But rest assured, I will take the steps to prevent this from happening again.

Until then, this is Ebanu8.


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